Solving World Problems 101: The Use of Useless Pandas

A rather large portion of the world’s population is currently living in poverty and an issue that comes with poverty is famine. Ironically, malnutrition is eating up parts of the world slowly but surely. This issue has not received the attention and support that it ultimately requires. We need to come together and end world hunger, today. Many have tried traditional solutions in an attempt to defeat world hunger, yet they have been unsuccessful. This indicates that what is necessary is a radical and novel solution. That is why I propose that the solution to feeding the hungry is feasting on all the useless pandas in the world.

It was one particular trip that I took a few years back that led me to conclude that there was a solution to this problem. It occurred to me while I was on the other side of world, in the densely occupied nation whose population claims roughly twenty percent of the world and invades about ninety-nine percent of my personal space, China.

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I was sitting on a bus as I left the large cities and their amazingly crisp and refreshing mechanically-produced air. As I traveled through the rural areas of the country, I noticed how much poverty was spread across the land. My musing was interrupted, however, when my family and I arrived at our stop, the Beijing Zoo.

We meandered through the zoo and eventually came to perhaps the most famous of all exhibits, the one occupied by the evolutionarily ignorant panda bears. The plump stature of the mature, dichromatic dull-colored bear occupied the majority of my field of vision. The bear gazed at me while gnawing on its primary source of sustenance, bamboo (proven to provide practically ZERO nutritional value). The obese bear sat there without a single worry in the world. If only it knew that it served no beneficial purpose. Maybe that would have motivated it.

From what I see, these pandas serve no use but to stimulate the part of the human brain labeled as “cute things to look at,” I cannot deny how visually satisfied I feel when looking at these rotund beasts. These creatures are classified as bears; bears eat meat. Pandas, do not eat meat, therefore pandas are stupid. How can a creature be idiotic enough to not eat something it was designed to consume? It must constantly consume bamboo to avoid falling into a coma from starvation. As I looked at the bear in the zoo exhibit I thought to myself, “how can that creature be so nutritionally inept that it can’t even submit to its natural desire for meat?” This morbidly large fiend that sits in front of me, has the propensity to spend the majority of its time creating vast amounts of feces as a result of how much it eats (once again bamboo provides no benefit). In the time that it spend defecating it could have managed to develop a well-established investment portfolio or even complete a hundred games of monopoly. Yes, that is indeed how much time it spends crapping its life away. It’s incredible, it blows the “s***” out of my mind. Lastly, these astonishing mammals possess the incredible ability to contribute to their own species’ decline, it’s fascinating! Pandas have a frustratingly weak libido that not even an overdose of Viagra can solve, never sensing the urge to reproduce. SPECIES ARE MEANT TO REPRODUCE IT’S HOW THEY SURVIVE. JUST HAVE SEX, IT IS NOT THAT HARD (Especially if you’re a male panda, it’s literally never hard). This ultimately deems them useless. But hey, they’re still cute right?

So how do we put these creatures to use before they inevitably run themselves into extinction? The tremendously simple answer I propose is that we eat them. World hunger is in dire need of a solution. I imagine a luxurious dish of panda meat is quite delectable in the eyes of the starving. By distributing the meat of these bears, we could feed thousands, even millions of individuals suffering from the conflict of famine. Just imagine, a single panda bear would supply endless amounts of meat for a large amount of individuals. Just think of how large one bear is! With the current livestock providing for the average human’s diet, adding pandas to the list of foods we can eat would increase the food supply giving us more room to distribute to those in need, since our very limited source of current livestock cannot seem to get the job done.

That leads to the question then, “won’t we not run out of pandas if they refuse to reproduce with each other?” A solution is evident, though the meat industry appears to have absolutely no problems with maintaining the exponential growth rate of swine and cows. All pandas should be captured and sent to the meat industry where they could be bred in vast amounts. Once a large population of these pandas have been sustained we will have a new source of food. A source that does not emit methane through its ghastly burps and farts, might I add. The current livestock we breed emits dangerous gaseous emissions into the air, yes cow farts are harmful to more than just our nasal cells. In a beneficial alternative for the environment, we can invoke a fresh scent of bamboo farts, killing two birds with one stone as we defend the environment!

Now, with that solution in mind, people will begin to wonder whether or not the consumption of panda meat is beneficial to the health of humankind. After all, the point of resolving this issue is to restore the health and well-being of those individuals who suffer from malnutrition. Through modern technology it is safe to assure that the panda meat being distributed to underprivileged regions of the world is indeed healthy. Within these panda breeding factories we can provide the bears with hormones to enhance their growth and reproduction rate. The issue of panda population decline would be another problem solved by taking this approach, just look at how outnumbered humans are by these flightless, excuse-of-a- bird known as chickens. By utilizing GMOs, the quality and quantity of the bears being distributed throughout the world will vitally increase. The health of the bears may always be monitored once they are placed in these factories. Aren’t all the meat products we consume extremely healthy when being bred? I would say McDonalds agrees with that contention.

By exploiting pandas as a resource of food for the impoverished, use could actually be put to them rather than displaying them in an exhibit or letting them reside naturally where they serve absolutely no purpose to themselves nor to the rest of the ecosystem around them. And through the efficient usage of GMOs it can be ensured that the supply and quality of panda meat being distributed throughout the world will be of high standard. Unless another individual possesses a solution that has the qualities to be more well-rounded and effective, I suggest that my current proposition be employed. The world has a population of malnourished individuals that is beyond excessive and if we don’t do something about it, as we have done for the pandas, we’ll end up slowly but surely damaging our own species and population.

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